1 00:00:25,300 --> 00:00:27,339 I've got a parcel for you, mate. Oh, cheers. 2 00:00:27,340 --> 00:00:29,460 Could you sign this, please? 3 00:00:38,740 --> 00:00:39,779 Cannae. 4 00:00:39,780 --> 00:00:40,860 That'll do me. 5 00:00:41,940 --> 00:00:42,980 Ta. 6 00:00:48,900 --> 00:00:49,939 All right? 7 00:00:49,940 --> 00:00:51,379 I'm Jolly Boy John. 8 00:00:51,380 --> 00:00:52,780 Jolly Boy John acting the wide-o 9 00:00:52,781 --> 00:00:53,819 is For Real. 10 00:00:53,820 --> 00:00:55,739 For Real. What, what, what, what, 11 00:00:55,740 --> 00:00:57,179 what, what, what, what? 12 00:00:57,180 --> 00:01:00,099 Jolly Boy John acting the wide-o with his nephew's nappy on his head 13 00:01:00,100 --> 00:01:01,259 is For Real. 14 00:01:01,260 --> 00:01:04,379 Get tooled up if you want, mate-mate-mate. 15 00:01:04,380 --> 00:01:08,259 I'm tooled up with wee chocolate bananas! 16 00:01:08,260 --> 00:01:11,179 For Real! Come and get meee... 17 00:01:11,180 --> 00:01:12,219 For Real! 18 00:01:12,220 --> 00:01:14,259 Jolly Boy John acting the wide-o to the polis 19 00:01:14,260 --> 00:01:16,259 with his nephew's nap-nap-nappies on his head 20 00:01:16,260 --> 00:01:17,660 in his Aunty Mary's hooer boots 21 00:01:17,661 --> 00:01:18,699 is For Real! 22 00:01:18,700 --> 00:01:20,499 For Real! Here... 23 00:01:20,500 --> 00:01:23,099 There'd better be a squad of yous to get me in that polis van 24 00:01:23,100 --> 00:01:25,579 cos I'm game as fuuu... 25 00:01:25,580 --> 00:01:26,659 For Real! 26 00:01:26,660 --> 00:01:28,499 All right, ladies? 27 00:01:28,500 --> 00:01:33,259 How do yous like me now I've got my sexy boots on? 28 00:01:33,260 --> 00:01:35,380 Jolly Boy John buying a good sling off the Internet 29 00:01:35,381 --> 00:01:37,979 and firing one of his nephew's pishy nap-nap-nappies that he's 30 00:01:37,980 --> 00:01:40,340 kept in the freezer all night at a polis van in the street 31 00:01:40,341 --> 00:01:41,539 is For Real! 32 00:01:41,540 --> 00:01:45,339 ? White boots and a nappy hat ? All the chicks go hot for that. ? 33 00:01:45,340 --> 00:01:47,299 Ooh! Ahhh! 34 00:01:47,300 --> 00:01:49,059 Ooh! Ahhh! 35 00:01:49,060 --> 00:01:50,899 ? White boots and a nappy hat 36 00:01:50,900 --> 00:01:52,500 ? All the chicks go hot for that. ? 37 00:01:52,501 --> 00:01:56,819 Columbo, TJ Hooker, Miss Marple, Arthur Bostrom. 38 00:01:56,820 --> 00:01:59,419 Yous are all trying to solve the puzzle of how to be 39 00:01:59,420 --> 00:02:01,539 as For Real as Jolly Boy John. 40 00:02:01,540 --> 00:02:02,659 Get Real! 41 00:03:18,980 --> 00:03:22,899 where Murdoch and his band of raggle-taggle bounty hunters 42 00:03:22,900 --> 00:03:28,220 and soldiers of fortune attacked Lord Porter and his English army. 43 00:03:29,260 --> 00:03:32,699 It is easy to imagine their hearts pounding in their chests, 44 00:03:32,700 --> 00:03:35,859 the adrenaline coursing through their veins 45 00:03:35,860 --> 00:03:40,219 as they charged down the slope towards the colossal enemy. 46 00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:41,859 YAARGGHHH! 47 00:03:41,860 --> 00:03:44,380 YEEE-AARRGGHH! 48 00:03:54,140 --> 00:03:57,379 Listen hen, yer da's got a bit of a drink in him, 49 00:03:57,380 --> 00:04:00,979 so gonnae take his shoes aff and get that fag out his hon 50 00:04:00,980 --> 00:04:02,739 before you go to your bed? 51 00:04:02,740 --> 00:04:04,140 I'm away up the stairs. 52 00:04:10,060 --> 00:04:12,819 New from Ciderson's Games, 53 00:04:12,820 --> 00:04:15,660 it's Take yer Da's Shoes Aff Hen. 54 00:04:17,260 --> 00:04:18,899 Can you get yer da's shoes aff 55 00:04:18,900 --> 00:04:20,220 without waking him up? 56 00:04:21,940 --> 00:04:23,098 What about the fag 57 00:04:23,099 --> 00:04:24,540 from between his fingers? 58 00:04:24,541 --> 00:04:27,459 No having a fly puff, now! 59 00:04:27,460 --> 00:04:29,140 Hey, yer only a wean! 60 00:04:32,020 --> 00:04:33,779 And if yer feeling really brave, 61 00:04:33,780 --> 00:04:35,419 you can try and knock a tenner 62 00:04:35,420 --> 00:04:37,300 from that wallet in his troosers! Go on. 63 00:04:37,301 --> 00:04:39,299 Aw, no! 64 00:04:39,300 --> 00:04:41,579 'Get yersel' tae fuck!' 65 00:04:41,580 --> 00:04:43,539 Take Yer Da's Shoes Aff Hen, 66 00:04:43,540 --> 00:04:44,860 from Ciderson's. 67 00:04:55,020 --> 00:04:56,939 Here. 68 00:04:56,940 --> 00:04:59,060 Have you noticed anything? 69 00:05:00,060 --> 00:05:01,659 Naw. What? 70 00:05:01,660 --> 00:05:03,980 Take a look about ye. 71 00:05:08,380 --> 00:05:09,780 Oh, wait a buckin' minute. 72 00:05:09,781 --> 00:05:13,099 Wait a buckin' minute is right. Is this a studenty place? 73 00:05:13,100 --> 00:05:16,379 Is this a studenty place? This better no be a studenty place. 74 00:05:16,380 --> 00:05:18,100 Oh, see if this is a studenty place... 75 00:05:19,340 --> 00:05:20,419 Hey! 76 00:05:20,420 --> 00:05:22,099 Are you a student? 77 00:05:22,100 --> 00:05:24,180 Em, well, I go to college. 78 00:05:26,020 --> 00:05:27,500 What's that you're drinking? 79 00:05:27,501 --> 00:05:29,579 It better be tea, the same as us. 80 00:05:29,580 --> 00:05:30,859 It's a mocha. 81 00:05:30,860 --> 00:05:32,819 A what?! A mocha. 82 00:05:32,820 --> 00:05:34,579 A what?! A mocha. 83 00:05:34,580 --> 00:05:36,499 A what?!? A mocha. 84 00:05:36,500 --> 00:05:38,139 A WHAT?!? 85 00:05:38,140 --> 00:05:40,019 You, hen. 86 00:05:40,020 --> 00:05:44,619 Please tell me that is a good, honest, working class cup of tea. 87 00:05:44,620 --> 00:05:46,739 It's a caramel macchiato. 88 00:05:46,740 --> 00:05:48,459 A caramel macca-what-noo? 89 00:05:48,460 --> 00:05:50,180 Ho! Waitress! 90 00:05:51,060 --> 00:05:52,420 Is... 91 00:05:54,020 --> 00:05:56,099 this a studenty place? 92 00:05:56,100 --> 00:05:58,939 What? Is this, or is this no, 93 00:05:58,940 --> 00:06:01,179 a studenty place full of wee iPad-using f-Pads? 94 00:06:01,180 --> 00:06:02,339 THE TRUTH! 95 00:06:02,340 --> 00:06:03,739 It's just a coffee shop. 96 00:06:03,740 --> 00:06:05,739 Oh, I get it. 97 00:06:05,740 --> 00:06:09,539 So everybody can act all exotic with their wee coffees? 98 00:06:09,540 --> 00:06:11,339 Me-me-me-me-me! 99 00:06:11,340 --> 00:06:15,019 You tell all your wee studenty pals 100 00:06:15,020 --> 00:06:18,899 that we're no impressed with their exotic coffee. 101 00:06:18,900 --> 00:06:20,939 A WHAT?!? A mocha! 102 00:06:20,940 --> 00:06:22,180 Ohhh! 103 00:06:23,300 --> 00:06:25,420 Joe! Up the road! 104 00:06:26,420 --> 00:06:27,660 Up the road now! 105 00:06:27,661 --> 00:06:29,699 Up. Up the road now. 106 00:06:29,700 --> 00:06:30,820 Up the road. 107 00:06:32,900 --> 00:06:33,979 Up the road. 108 00:06:33,980 --> 00:06:35,500 Up the road! 109 00:06:37,780 --> 00:06:39,300 Up the road now! 110 00:06:43,300 --> 00:06:49,900 Hello. Tell yer quine to drap her breechs for Herry Maclowdery. 111 00:06:52,700 --> 00:06:57,659 ? Oh, ye dinna ken a geechie like awa' and tak' awa' 112 00:06:57,660 --> 00:07:02,499 ? When the faur faur winds ae wiy fae dearer 113 00:07:02,500 --> 00:07:06,579 ? An' a' ahint the braes an' afore tae tak' awa' 114 00:07:06,580 --> 00:07:10,380 ? There's hot new poolside pictures of Shakira. ? 115 00:07:20,340 --> 00:07:21,499 Well, Doctor? 116 00:07:21,500 --> 00:07:25,500 Thank Christ I don't need to live with that wee prick. 117 00:07:50,500 --> 00:07:52,579 On the run from the English army, 118 00:07:52,580 --> 00:07:57,579 it is here in this beautiful meadow where Murdoch set up camp 119 00:07:57,580 --> 00:07:59,220 and spent his wedding night. 120 00:08:00,420 --> 00:08:03,219 It is said that he consummated the marriage 121 00:08:03,220 --> 00:08:06,939 on this very piece of ground. 122 00:08:06,940 --> 00:08:12,339 It is easy to imagine making love to a beautiful young wife 123 00:08:12,340 --> 00:08:16,899 for the first time in a beautiful place like this. 124 00:08:16,900 --> 00:08:19,379 Oh! On her back, 125 00:08:19,380 --> 00:08:21,379 feeling the grass beneath her, 126 00:08:21,380 --> 00:08:25,379 as she looks up into the eyes of her heroic husband. 127 00:08:25,380 --> 00:08:26,660 But... 128 00:08:28,460 --> 00:08:30,299 as legend has it, 129 00:08:30,300 --> 00:08:34,299 Murdoch had not yet finished making love to his new wife 130 00:08:34,300 --> 00:08:38,620 for the first time when Lord Porter's soldiers attacked. 131 00:08:40,780 --> 00:08:44,179 YEEE-AARRGGHH! 132 00:08:44,180 --> 00:08:46,699 AAARRGGHH! 133 00:08:46,700 --> 00:08:49,300 AARRGGHH! 134 00:09:02,260 --> 00:09:03,660 Hello, tiger. 135 00:09:04,900 --> 00:09:07,459 Excuse me? "Hello, tiger?" 136 00:09:07,460 --> 00:09:09,539 Mmm, yes. Hello, tiger. 137 00:09:09,540 --> 00:09:11,499 What's that patter about? 138 00:09:11,500 --> 00:09:13,059 Well, the management have asked us 139 00:09:13,060 --> 00:09:15,099 to be much nicer to the jobseekers from now on. 140 00:09:15,100 --> 00:09:17,259 You know they way we normally behave, darlin'? 141 00:09:17,260 --> 00:09:19,819 Like snidey bastards? That's right, tiger. 142 00:09:19,820 --> 00:09:20,900 Well, we've to bin that, 143 00:09:20,901 --> 00:09:23,899 and we've to be much nicer from now on, you wee smasher. 144 00:09:23,900 --> 00:09:26,939 We have to get at least one compliment into every exchange. 145 00:09:26,940 --> 00:09:29,379 I don't think I like that, but. Well, nae luck. 146 00:09:29,380 --> 00:09:32,379 You're just a jobseeker, so as far as me being nice to you goes, 147 00:09:32,380 --> 00:09:34,820 you'll have to like it or lump it, ya wee cutie pie. 148 00:09:34,821 --> 00:09:36,819 Right, fair enough. 149 00:09:36,820 --> 00:09:41,739 So, have you been looking for work this week, stud? Eh, aye. 150 00:09:41,740 --> 00:09:44,060 Well, I'm gonnae need some proof of that, gorgeous. 151 00:09:44,061 --> 00:09:45,459 A call centre. 152 00:09:45,460 --> 00:09:48,059 I went for an interview, but nae joy. 153 00:09:48,060 --> 00:09:50,979 One interview? That's your lot for a week? 154 00:09:50,980 --> 00:09:54,619 I thought you were supposed to give me a compliment with every exchange. 155 00:09:54,620 --> 00:09:56,100 Sorry, did I miss one there? 156 00:09:56,101 --> 00:09:57,539 Erm... OK, let me... 157 00:09:57,540 --> 00:09:59,699 Let me give you this rose here. 158 00:09:59,700 --> 00:10:04,099 It goes nice with your lovely wee red sweater and that. 159 00:10:04,100 --> 00:10:06,340 You know what I think, though? You're lazy. 160 00:10:07,340 --> 00:10:10,219 You're lazy and sleekit. A lazy, sleekit, wee sweetheart. 161 00:10:10,220 --> 00:10:13,699 Can I just sign on and go? All this patter's making me feel awkward. 162 00:10:13,700 --> 00:10:15,179 "Just sign on and go?!" 163 00:10:15,180 --> 00:10:18,219 Do you think we should just be giving free money 164 00:10:18,220 --> 00:10:21,499 to any guy that walks in here with his beautiful, big brown eyes? 165 00:10:21,500 --> 00:10:23,979 Like a lovely wee Shetland pony staring at you? 166 00:10:23,980 --> 00:10:26,699 Look, I am looking for work, all right? 167 00:10:26,700 --> 00:10:29,619 One interview a week isn't good enough. You should be out there 168 00:10:29,620 --> 00:10:32,259 pounding those streets with those big, muscular feet. 169 00:10:32,260 --> 00:10:36,499 I'm sick of you lot acting all high and mighty behind your desks. 170 00:10:36,500 --> 00:10:38,099 See that job of yours, mate? 171 00:10:38,100 --> 00:10:39,299 It's shite! 172 00:10:39,300 --> 00:10:40,659 It's shite! 173 00:10:40,660 --> 00:10:41,979 So just shut your mouth 174 00:10:41,980 --> 00:10:45,179 with your perfect, beautiful teeth 175 00:10:45,180 --> 00:10:48,779 and your lovely full lips and that. 176 00:10:48,780 --> 00:10:50,979 You've got me doing it now. 177 00:10:50,980 --> 00:10:52,899 How dare you abuse me like that! 178 00:10:52,900 --> 00:10:54,499 Coming in here shouting at me 179 00:10:54,500 --> 00:10:55,940 with that commanding voice 180 00:10:55,941 --> 00:10:58,899 with that rich tone, like an operatic tenor or something! 181 00:10:58,900 --> 00:10:59,939 You dreamboat! 182 00:10:59,940 --> 00:11:03,139 You know what? You can shove your benefit money, right? 183 00:11:03,140 --> 00:11:05,859 Because I'm sick of listening to you 184 00:11:05,860 --> 00:11:08,819 with all your charisma and your charm. 185 00:11:08,820 --> 00:11:13,259 Like some kind of Benefits Office George Clooney or something, right? 186 00:11:13,260 --> 00:11:16,059 You, mate, are marriage material! 187 00:11:16,060 --> 00:11:17,579 MARRIAGE MATERIAL! 188 00:11:17,580 --> 00:11:19,299 Get out! 189 00:11:19,300 --> 00:11:23,139 Get that lovely wee firm tush of yours wiggling out of that door! 190 00:11:23,140 --> 00:11:24,899 I hate to see you go, mate, 191 00:11:24,900 --> 00:11:29,140 but I lo-ove to watch you leave! Mmm! 192 00:11:30,260 --> 00:11:32,260 Hello, tiger. I'll be with you in a minute. 193 00:11:33,620 --> 00:11:35,180 Mmm-mmm! 194 00:11:44,540 --> 00:11:46,659 Hello, my name's Gavin Teeth-Whitened, 195 00:11:46,660 --> 00:11:50,579 and welcome back to Fight or Dirty Bit. 196 00:11:50,580 --> 00:11:53,739 We're here with this week's contestant, Davey Crockett. 197 00:11:53,740 --> 00:11:55,779 It's Croquette. 198 00:11:55,780 --> 00:11:57,499 Like a potato croquette. 199 00:11:57,500 --> 00:11:59,499 Sorry, Davey. 200 00:11:59,500 --> 00:12:03,579 Are you ready to play Fight or Dirty Bit? Aye. 201 00:12:03,580 --> 00:12:06,099 Let's take a look at this short film clip, 202 00:12:06,100 --> 00:12:08,859 and then, Davey, you tell me what's coming next. 203 00:12:08,860 --> 00:12:10,980 Fight or Dirty Bit? 204 00:12:16,260 --> 00:12:18,699 The faucet's just over here. 205 00:12:18,700 --> 00:12:22,259 That's good, cos I'm a plumber. 206 00:12:22,260 --> 00:12:25,179 And I'm Susannah. 207 00:12:25,180 --> 00:12:28,780 Let me just open the cupboard underneath the sink for you. 208 00:12:34,260 --> 00:12:36,299 Davey, Fight, or Dirty Bit? 209 00:12:36,300 --> 00:12:38,379 With a sexy wee arse on that yin like that? 210 00:12:38,380 --> 00:12:40,099 It's got to be a dirty bit, Gavin. 211 00:12:40,100 --> 00:12:41,340 Let's take a look. 212 00:12:45,540 --> 00:12:47,460 Mmm... mmm-mmm. 213 00:12:50,740 --> 00:12:51,860 Get up, Susannah! 214 00:12:54,020 --> 00:12:55,380 Or should I say... 215 00:12:56,380 --> 00:12:58,420 Scorpitarius the Spymaster. 216 00:12:59,500 --> 00:13:02,739 You see this. But you didn't see this! 217 00:13:02,740 --> 00:13:04,220 Damn you! 218 00:13:08,860 --> 00:13:10,260 I'm sorry, Davey. 219 00:13:13,180 --> 00:13:15,339 I'm afraid it was a fight. 220 00:13:15,340 --> 00:13:19,020 Let's go to our ninth ad break of the show. 221 00:13:22,660 --> 00:13:27,179 Tonight's BTV competition question is this. 222 00:13:27,180 --> 00:13:30,179 What is a potato "crocket" made of? 223 00:13:30,180 --> 00:13:31,100 Is it...? 224 00:13:39,860 --> 00:13:42,620 The picture clue will flash on screen now. 225 00:13:43,740 --> 00:13:46,860 And the word clue will flash up now. 226 00:13:49,100 --> 00:13:51,099 My name's James Jumpstyle, 227 00:13:51,100 --> 00:13:53,340 and the big news is that Jumpstyle beds and chairs 228 00:13:53,341 --> 00:13:56,460 now delivers to your home, quickstyle! 229 00:13:58,780 --> 00:14:00,819 We will come to your home, jumpstyle 230 00:14:00,820 --> 00:14:03,340 and put your furniture EXACTLY where you want it! 231 00:14:07,060 --> 00:14:08,340 Shelves! Chairs! 232 00:14:08,341 --> 00:14:10,219 Couch chairs! Bed chairs! 233 00:14:10,220 --> 00:14:12,099 All delivered by my Jumpstyle boys 234 00:14:12,100 --> 00:14:15,140 to the loudest, happiest hardcore music you can imagine. 235 00:14:38,180 --> 00:14:41,219 And, yes, the rumours are true! We're happy to introduce 236 00:14:41,220 --> 00:14:43,219 James Jumpstyle's Funeral Service. 237 00:14:43,220 --> 00:14:44,460 Go out in style! 238 00:14:44,461 --> 00:14:45,780 Go out in Jumpstyle! 239 00:15:02,540 --> 00:15:05,659 I came back to Burnistoun because I was born here 240 00:15:05,660 --> 00:15:07,859 and in Hong Kong, my Scottish accent 241 00:15:07,860 --> 00:15:10,339 made my filmmaking career impossible. 242 00:15:10,340 --> 00:15:12,380 No-one could understand my Scottish patter. 243 00:15:13,660 --> 00:15:18,499 Kung-Fu legend Micky Mann is a unique director, 244 00:15:18,500 --> 00:15:19,899 in that in his films, 245 00:15:19,900 --> 00:15:24,539 he is the only performer who knows he's in a movie. 246 00:15:24,540 --> 00:15:28,219 When you punch an actor, or you kick an actor, it looks not real. 247 00:15:28,220 --> 00:15:31,779 It looks fake. That is why I use real people. 248 00:15:31,780 --> 00:15:35,020 In a Micky Mann movie, you see real people get kicked. 249 00:15:37,100 --> 00:15:40,059 In the spectacular finale of Beatdown in Burnistoun, 250 00:15:40,060 --> 00:15:43,179 an entire pub full of unwitting Burnistoun locals 251 00:15:43,180 --> 00:15:47,059 are destroyed in a whirlwind of Micky's kung-fu moves. 252 00:15:47,060 --> 00:15:49,019 Hello, there. What can I get you? 253 00:15:49,020 --> 00:15:52,659 Using Hong Kong dubbing techniques, these innocent pub punters 254 00:15:52,660 --> 00:15:56,379 are placed into the world of Micky Mann's movie. 255 00:15:56,380 --> 00:15:59,019 Idiot, you should not have come here! 256 00:15:59,020 --> 00:16:01,339 I'm not leaving without the sacred idol. 257 00:16:01,340 --> 00:16:03,539 You will have to defeat us all, fool! 258 00:16:03,540 --> 00:16:05,860 I would like to see him try! 259 00:16:08,260 --> 00:16:10,460 You will pay for your insolence! 260 00:16:14,900 --> 00:16:16,900 This is sacred ground! 261 00:16:18,220 --> 00:16:20,139 Yahhh! 262 00:16:20,140 --> 00:16:22,220 Thank you, kind old lady. 263 00:16:24,180 --> 00:16:25,500 Try my King Kong Palm! 264 00:16:30,740 --> 00:16:32,339 There are a lot of injuries 265 00:16:32,340 --> 00:16:35,259 in my movies, yes, because it is real. 266 00:16:35,260 --> 00:16:37,739 Because I am really hurting these people. 267 00:16:37,740 --> 00:16:40,019 That makes a better movie. 268 00:16:40,020 --> 00:16:43,059 In this iconic scene from Beatdown In Burnistoun, 269 00:16:43,060 --> 00:16:46,740 this old man has no idea that the camera is rolling. 270 00:16:48,180 --> 00:16:53,099 Son, can you tell me if the 56 has gone by yet? 271 00:16:53,100 --> 00:16:56,140 Where are the diamonds? 272 00:16:58,820 --> 00:17:00,900 I want to know, where are my friends?! 273 00:17:02,580 --> 00:17:05,220 Give me the diamonds, you little punk! 274 00:17:12,860 --> 00:17:15,659 I decided to stay in Burnistoun and make a new movie every weekend. 275 00:17:15,660 --> 00:17:18,660 Please, if you see me out there, do come over and say hello. 276 00:17:30,620 --> 00:17:32,700 Here y'are. Happy birthday, Peter. 277 00:17:36,140 --> 00:17:37,660 Cheers, Scott. 278 00:17:58,700 --> 00:18:01,779 What's the script with this? It's a hat. 279 00:18:01,780 --> 00:18:04,459 I know it's a hat. What am I meant to do with a hat? 280 00:18:04,460 --> 00:18:05,579 Wear it. 281 00:18:05,580 --> 00:18:06,820 Do I wear hats? 282 00:18:06,821 --> 00:18:09,059 Have you ever once seen me wearing a hat? 283 00:18:09,060 --> 00:18:13,179 Naw. But you'll be wearing them soon, won't you? 284 00:18:13,180 --> 00:18:14,540 How? 285 00:18:16,460 --> 00:18:17,500 What? 286 00:18:20,380 --> 00:18:21,820 No, no, your... 287 00:18:22,900 --> 00:18:25,979 What? My heid? No, your hair, mate. 288 00:18:25,980 --> 00:18:28,260 You'll be wearing hats, what with you going baldy. 289 00:18:29,340 --> 00:18:31,259 I'm... I'm going bald? 290 00:18:31,260 --> 00:18:34,059 I wasn't wanting to just hit out with it like that, know what I mean, 291 00:18:34,060 --> 00:18:35,900 but, aye, you're receding. Am I shite! 292 00:18:35,901 --> 00:18:38,859 At first, right, I thought it was mebbe just your nose getting longer, 293 00:18:38,860 --> 00:18:42,299 like, at the top, up the way, but then I was like that, 294 00:18:42,300 --> 00:18:44,058 "No, Scott, noses don't grow upwards," 295 00:18:44,059 --> 00:18:45,940 and then I realised it was your hair, mate. 296 00:18:45,941 --> 00:18:49,139 That's garbage, mate. I've got a full heid of hair, just the same as my da'. 297 00:18:49,140 --> 00:18:52,059 Aye, but your ma's baldy, but. She looks like Buddha. 298 00:18:52,060 --> 00:18:53,860 That was stress that caused that, right? 299 00:18:53,861 --> 00:18:56,779 You're always stressed, mate. Everybody's talking about it, mate. 300 00:18:56,780 --> 00:18:58,859 You being a baldy bastard. 301 00:18:58,860 --> 00:19:02,219 Like who? Wee Barry for one. 302 00:19:02,220 --> 00:19:04,219 We saw you going into the barber's last week 303 00:19:04,220 --> 00:19:07,539 and I was like that to him, "What's he away in there for? To read the meter?" 304 00:19:07,540 --> 00:19:09,978 There must be something wrong with your eyesight, mate, 305 00:19:09,979 --> 00:19:11,660 if you think this is a baldy guy's heid. 306 00:19:11,661 --> 00:19:15,139 See if you shine a light through your hair, mate, 307 00:19:15,140 --> 00:19:17,219 it goes all translucent like a ghost. 308 00:19:17,220 --> 00:19:20,899 That's what they call you down the pub, mate - haunted heid. 309 00:19:20,900 --> 00:19:25,179 Nope. I was like that to that wee barmaid last week, 310 00:19:25,180 --> 00:19:27,419 "His heid looks like a grey dandelion, man. 311 00:19:27,420 --> 00:19:30,379 "You could blow on it and make a wish." 312 00:19:30,380 --> 00:19:34,779 Grey? It's like a BLACK dandelion, mate, right? 313 00:19:34,780 --> 00:19:39,059 I better no hear anybody saying my heid looks like a dandelion, right? 314 00:19:39,060 --> 00:19:41,979 You know what? You're just raging because it's my birthday, right? 315 00:19:41,980 --> 00:19:44,699 You're trying to ruin it as per, 316 00:19:44,700 --> 00:19:46,779 trying to give me a negative body image. 317 00:19:46,780 --> 00:19:49,459 What did you get me last year? Do you remember? 318 00:19:49,460 --> 00:19:50,699 A male corset. 319 00:19:50,700 --> 00:19:54,419 Aye, that's right. And this year it's my hair. Well, I'm no havin' it. 320 00:19:54,420 --> 00:19:58,540 You can shove your present right up your translucent arse. 321 00:20:10,620 --> 00:20:13,460 Just because it's cold outside, mate, right? 322 00:20:18,140 --> 00:20:23,699 We are gathered here today to unveil this tribute to a Burnistoun legend. 323 00:20:23,700 --> 00:20:27,979 The greatest hero that Burnistoun has ever produced. 324 00:20:27,980 --> 00:20:32,499 Must we list his achievements? Ten Olympic gold medals. 325 00:20:32,500 --> 00:20:35,499 Undisputed boxing champion of the world. 326 00:20:35,500 --> 00:20:40,619 The winner of five Oscars, four Grammys and three Tony awards. 327 00:20:40,620 --> 00:20:43,059 A Nobel prize-winning heart surgeon. 328 00:20:43,060 --> 00:20:46,580 A best-selling novelist and a war hero. 329 00:20:54,060 --> 00:20:56,819 And we immortalise him today in this statue, 330 00:20:56,820 --> 00:20:59,619 captured in his most famous photo moment, 331 00:20:59,620 --> 00:21:04,740 as he sticks the Scottish flag into the surface of the planet Mars. 332 00:21:05,980 --> 00:21:09,939 Burnistoun's greatest man - the world's greatest man... 333 00:21:09,940 --> 00:21:11,619 ladies and gentlemen... 334 00:21:11,620 --> 00:21:15,059 my son... when he grows up. 335 00:21:15,060 --> 00:21:17,700 Nae pressure. 336 00:21:36,100 --> 00:21:39,219 So you've been wi' us for a while now, son. 337 00:21:39,220 --> 00:21:40,539 Four years. 338 00:21:40,540 --> 00:21:44,339 So you understand that the three standard cakes that we do here 339 00:21:44,340 --> 00:21:48,179 are the football pitch for the boys, the girl on the pony for the girls 340 00:21:48,180 --> 00:21:51,259 and the plain one with the birthday message for the adults. 341 00:21:51,260 --> 00:21:52,739 Yes. 342 00:21:52,740 --> 00:21:59,340 Good. So, could you possibly explain to me this cake here? 343 00:22:01,740 --> 00:22:06,099 Well. The dove is the bird of love, obviously, 344 00:22:06,100 --> 00:22:09,579 and here we see it being decapitated by society's sword of oppression. 345 00:22:09,580 --> 00:22:12,579 This is to represent the fact that society always tries to kill 346 00:22:12,580 --> 00:22:15,979 any love that's different to how they define it. 347 00:22:15,980 --> 00:22:19,979 And what are these wee men falling on to this man and woman here? 348 00:22:19,980 --> 00:22:24,779 It isn't a man and woman - it's a lesbian couple. And these wee men here represent organised religion. 349 00:22:24,780 --> 00:22:28,179 They're falling from the sky because they're the dove's last shit. 350 00:22:28,180 --> 00:22:31,539 Man's attempt to organise and categorise spirituality 351 00:22:31,540 --> 00:22:35,019 has caused the dove of love to defecate on this blameless couple. 352 00:22:35,020 --> 00:22:36,419 So. 353 00:22:36,420 --> 00:22:40,299 You want me to put, in the front window of my family baker's, 354 00:22:40,300 --> 00:22:45,419 a cake that shows the image of the world's spiritual leaders 355 00:22:45,420 --> 00:22:47,659 being shat out of a decapitated dove's arse 356 00:22:47,660 --> 00:22:50,619 and landing on top of some giant lesbians? 357 00:22:50,620 --> 00:22:51,739 Yes. 358 00:22:51,740 --> 00:22:55,059 It's supposed to be a wean's birthday cake, son. 359 00:22:55,060 --> 00:23:00,219 Now, I'm nothing if no an open-minded baker, right, but - and correct me if I'm wrong... 360 00:23:00,220 --> 00:23:04,219 I don't think Gregg's managed to be the country's biggest baker's 361 00:23:04,220 --> 00:23:06,579 by putting violent visual representations 362 00:23:06,580 --> 00:23:09,020 of the plight of the lesbians on their steak bakes! 363 00:23:10,260 --> 00:23:12,740 Now, what is this one here? 364 00:23:13,740 --> 00:23:18,099 Well, this is a four-year-old boy saying goodbye to his nursery friend 365 00:23:18,100 --> 00:23:20,619 who is an asylum seeker that the British government 366 00:23:20,620 --> 00:23:23,099 is deporting back to his country of origin 367 00:23:23,100 --> 00:23:26,699 where his family will almost certainly be put to death. 368 00:23:26,700 --> 00:23:29,459 He's saying, "My friend is going away to die. 369 00:23:29,460 --> 00:23:32,539 "And also there is no God and no Heaven." 370 00:23:32,540 --> 00:23:35,539 Oh-ho! Happy days, eh? 371 00:23:35,540 --> 00:23:38,139 Happy birthday memories! 372 00:23:38,140 --> 00:23:40,260 Weans usually fight over who gets the bit of cake 373 00:23:40,261 --> 00:23:42,819 with a football on it. I don't see anybody going, 374 00:23:42,820 --> 00:23:45,739 "Mammy, can I have the bit of cake with the sad boy 375 00:23:45,740 --> 00:23:49,859 "grieving o'er his doomed pal and questioning the existence of God?" 376 00:23:49,860 --> 00:23:52,179 If they eat good art it will enrich their soul. 377 00:23:52,180 --> 00:23:53,940 This one, I like. 378 00:23:56,380 --> 00:24:01,259 A wee bit of Greek mythology there. Medusa with the snakes for hair. 379 00:24:01,260 --> 00:24:03,739 Well, that's an interesting interpretation, 380 00:24:03,740 --> 00:24:07,219 but this isn't Medusa and these arenae snakes. 381 00:24:07,220 --> 00:24:09,419 I know they're not snakes! 382 00:24:09,420 --> 00:24:11,699 It's a woman with a hair cut full of willies! 383 00:24:11,700 --> 00:24:14,379 It represents women's eternal subjugation by men. 384 00:24:14,380 --> 00:24:16,300 There's old wifeys who shop in here 385 00:24:16,301 --> 00:24:19,459 who have only ever seen their husbands' willies in the dark 386 00:24:19,460 --> 00:24:21,259 and you want me to show them this? 387 00:24:21,260 --> 00:24:25,100 Yes. What were you planning on writing on it? 388 00:24:26,140 --> 00:24:27,900 "Happy fourth birthday, Connor". 389 00:24:29,740 --> 00:24:32,939 I cannae see it working, son. I cannae see people going, 390 00:24:32,940 --> 00:24:35,219 "It's my son's fourth birthday this weekend. 391 00:24:35,220 --> 00:24:37,899 "Any chance I could get one of they cakes with a subjugated woman 392 00:24:37,900 --> 00:24:39,739 "with a tadger demi wave?" 393 00:24:39,740 --> 00:24:41,539 But these... 394 00:24:41,540 --> 00:24:42,939 No. 395 00:24:42,940 --> 00:24:46,379 The great artists innovate within the restrictions 396 00:24:46,380 --> 00:24:50,499 that are laid out for them. That is what makes them great. 397 00:24:50,500 --> 00:24:53,659 Football pitches... and ponies. 398 00:24:53,660 --> 00:24:55,380 Now get back to work. 399 00:25:11,500 --> 00:25:14,100 Gingerbread ladyboy! 400 00:25:23,020 --> 00:25:25,619 There are three-course pre-theatre menus 401 00:25:25,620 --> 00:25:29,019 and there are three-course pre-theatre menus. 402 00:25:29,020 --> 00:25:31,460 And then there's me. 403 00:25:42,460 --> 00:25:45,179 ? Brother, I've got another question 404 00:25:45,180 --> 00:25:47,419 ? I cannae get it out ma heid 405 00:25:47,420 --> 00:25:49,419 ? I'd find the answer In a book if I could 406 00:25:49,420 --> 00:25:52,219 ? But you know That I cannae even read 407 00:25:52,220 --> 00:25:54,339 ? I know who the question's about, mate 408 00:25:54,340 --> 00:25:56,739 ? It's women Frae young uns to mammies 409 00:25:56,740 --> 00:25:58,819 ? And why they're all out Cuttin' about 410 00:25:58,820 --> 00:26:01,499 ? Wearin' their motherbuckin' jammies 411 00:26:01,500 --> 00:26:03,739 ? Why are you cuttin' aboot In jammies 412 00:26:03,740 --> 00:26:06,019 ? Why are you cuttin' about In jammies 413 00:26:06,020 --> 00:26:08,379 ? Jammies, jam, jam Jam, jammies 414 00:26:08,380 --> 00:26:10,459 ? Why are you cuttin' aboot In jammies 415 00:26:10,460 --> 00:26:12,700 ? DJ, break it doon for the PJ. ? 416 00:26:26,780 --> 00:26:31,139 What you see below you is now a car park, 417 00:26:31,140 --> 00:26:36,659 but in Murdoch's time this was a popular spot for English soldiers 418 00:26:36,660 --> 00:26:39,619 travelling north to set up camp. 419 00:26:39,620 --> 00:26:42,579 Murdoch made an educated guess 420 00:26:42,580 --> 00:26:46,179 that Lord Porter's soldiers would end up here. 421 00:26:46,180 --> 00:26:49,659 This is Murdoch's sword. 422 00:26:49,660 --> 00:26:55,139 He made a promise to his men that if Lord Porter rode into this place 423 00:26:55,140 --> 00:26:58,459 he would first remove him from his horse 424 00:26:58,460 --> 00:27:01,420 and then remove his head from his body. 425 00:27:29,472 --> 00:27:57,944 Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru. Support Us and Donate. 426 00:27:57,994 --> 00:28:02,544 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0